Doubts
by TommmyGunZ
Summary: Shepard and Miranda, plagued with doubts, confide in each other after the mission neither of them were supposed to return from.


**Doubts, my first fanfic, is a oneshot involving Miranda and Shepard after the Collector Base is left intact. Mass Effect is property of Bioware. **

Miranda Lawson was out of words, or more accurately, thoughts. Her mind was racing and she simply couldn't keep up. After everything the crew of the SR2 had been through, after everything _she_ had been through over the course of the past few hours should have put her to sleep. Despite her exhaustion, she couldn't rest. Too much had happened, too much had changed.

Miranda didn't expect to survive the Omega-4 mission, it was called a suicide mission for a reason and she expected it to play out as such, despite her hopes. Only a few weeks ago she had begged Shepard not to die, that made her feel weak. Pleading for something that appeared so far-fetched. _I should know better_ she thought to herself, _I'm stronger than that. _Despite how she felt about what she had said, she didn't regret saying it. Miranda Lawson wasn't afraid to be herself, not anymore, not around Shepard.

Those moments before they hit the relay were some of the best of her life. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to be with someone not only for pleasure, but for passion. Even though she wasn't embarrassed of their relationship, she knew the Illusive man had bugs in the Captain's Quarters. She wanted the moment to be private, and the engine room was the only location on the SR2 that provided that privacy. She didn't say anything when he arrived after the shortest 5 minutes of her life. She had no time to think, only act. She didn't know what to say, this kind of emotional relationship was foreign to her. No one before him, whether it be her father, the Illusive Man, or any of her past 'boyfriends' truly cared for her on an emotional level. The two were swept up in each other's presence and the following two hours were over before they had begun.

Having accepted the fact that she wasn't going to get any sleep, Miranda decided to get up and find Thomas. She had noticed that he wasn't next to her when she initially awoke but she had assumed he had gone off to complete some task or other around the ship. _Always the busy-body he is, hmph just like me_. Miranda rose wearing nothing but her undergarments to see Shepard sitting on the couch across the cabin. He was holding a glass of his favorite whiskey but he wasn't moving a muscle, just sitting there staring out into oblivion in his boxer shorts. _What's going on..._ she thought to herself. She had never seen Shepard in this state, he was always so focused. It didn't even look like he realized she was awake.

Shaken from his thoughts by the sudden movement, Shepard was quickly aware that Miranda had gotten up. He knew she wasn't asleep, people move more when they're actually sleeping. She was thinking, what about was the question. Miranda began to stand and Shepard was stunned, though he shouldn't have been. _God it should be illegal for someone to look that great when they wake up, what have you gotten yourself into Thomas._He weakly smiled to himself and resumed his previous position.

"Oh, you're here? I had thought you were off working" Miranda said casually. _Take whiskey and add some mindless staring at nothing in particular? Something's up_

"No I'm just...thinking." He replied.

_That's not vague..._ Miranda sat next to Shepard but gave him a little space, something was obviously off. _He can't be second guessing us, could he?_ Keeping the ever so slight worry out of her voice, "What about?" she replied. _He helped me sort out everything with Oriana, now it's my turn_

Thomas just sat there a moment, letting the silence fill the room. After a short while he finally replied. "Everything..." He was still staring blankly at the floor, not even looking her in the eye.

Miranda raised her hand to his cheek and raised his eyes to hers. "You can talk to me..." she said. "What's bothering you?"

"I...I just don't know if I made the right decision."

"The Collector base..."

Shepard simply nodded and sat there a moment. "I was a military kid, both of my parents were Alliance soldiers. With parents like that, their bound to rub off on you. Ever since I was young I wanted to serve, it was in my blood. My Dad had this saying he would always drill into me. Cold compassion he called it."

Miranda stared into his eyes, waiting for him to continue. There was a slight bit of confusion on her face at the odd phrase but those questions would be held. He needed someone to listen...for now.

"Heh, yeah I know. It doesn't sound like it makes much sense does it? It's what my Dad called the way approached his duties. He was always in some sort of command position, I guess you could say I got my charisma from him. Cold compassion...learn when to show compassion and when to let logic takeover. Be compassionate with your comrades, but at the same time know when to be strict. 'It's the mark of a great leader' he would always say. But when you're forced to make a call in the field, logic must always take precedence. You can't let idealism blind you, you've got to do what's best for the mission. Never let your own morals stop you from making the smart choice."

Having the clarification, Miranda relaxed a little and moved closer to Shepard, nudging him to continue

"This is what I've relied on to make the tough choices the galaxy always seems to throw in my face. From the Council to the collector base, I do my best to not let my emotions take over. But it's hard. Seeing all those colonists, harvested like animals and turned into...whatever you want to call it. Until the Illusive Man called, I was determined to blow that base sky high. As we moved closer this little voice kept pestering me...'what if you could keep the base? Imagine how useful this technology could be.' When you chimed in, and said keeping the base felt like a betrayal...that hit me like a brick. What kind of person am I if I could even begin to think about utilizing something so horrific? That's what it feels like to me, a betrayal. When the time came for me to make choice my mind went through thousands of possibilities. But we were running out of time, and I had to make a choice. I had to let the logic part of me take over, I couldn't simply throw away such a potential resource. I just...I don't..."

Miranda felt a wave of grief crash over her, she had caused this. She took hold of his hands with her own and he looked her in the eye. "Thomas, when I said it felt like a betrayal...I did something I've never done. My pragmatic side, what defines me when I'm on missions, took the back seat. After seeing those colonists being liquefied, all I could think of was Oriana. What if that was her in one of those pods? For once in my life I let emotion take precedence in the field. I've ran over this in my head a million times since then, you made the right choice."

Shepard looked at her with a surprised expression across his face. "What do you mean? Back then you said..."

Miranda put her hand to his lips to stop him. "I never thought I would admit it, but if you had destroyed that base and I had contributed...I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. To toss out such a potentially vital resource would have been too big of a risk. I don't trust the Illusive man, no one should. But he has proven that he will do whatever it takes to combat the reapers. I may not like it...but him having the base gives us the best shot at success."

Thomas sat there gazing into her blue-gray eyes. For the first time, he had someone he could confide it. Someone who could help bring him back from his thoughts, someone who knew what it was like to be in his shoes. He leaned in and softly kissed her. He could feel her sigh with relief at his reaction to her soothing. She softly kissed him back and held there for a second before he pulled back.

"Thank you...you're the first person who has ever..."

Her lips quickly met his and silenced him. After a quick second she withdrew. "I know. Me too..."


End file.
